i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
