You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
