When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
