my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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