Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so that wasnt chicken after all
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
