i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
