WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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