remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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