I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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