if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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