i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
