Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
