I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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