So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
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