My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
