Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
