Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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