we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
