I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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