This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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