WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
only you would photoshop your dick
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
