I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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