A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
