Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize