she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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