I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Randomize
