This dress was meant to end up on your floor
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize