I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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