I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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