i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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