Say something about gay babies.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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