Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
