If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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