Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
