It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
