Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
