After last night, I could never be a politician.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
FUCK WHALES
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