Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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