Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Pants are for mortals
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
