i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
