how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
