If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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