Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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