You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
