You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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