hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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