I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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