I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
