happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
