Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
