My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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