a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Oh god it's open bar.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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