I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
