I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
