Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
