Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize