My cat gives me a boner
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize