Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize