I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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