We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
